brenda's thoughts, watch out I'm Christian

I'm going on vacation from blogging for awhile,

so don't freak out if you don't hear from me or about me,

I'm just taking a break

Probably go hang out by the river

and re-think who in the heck I am

and what on earth I'm doing here

a gift to me from someone special
 
It's all about

Comfort,

Tenderness,

And compatibility.

It's about how much we are the same

Yet very different.

It's about that ahhhh haaaa moment

When you realize that you have found someone that pierces your very soul.

It's about willy nilly chaos.

It's about the quiet way you look at me,

Wanting to say so much yet never saying enough.

It's about my heart staying on your street every night.

It's about so much Brenda.

Your smile,

Your giggle,

You're "you better stop that" look.

Your "I can't believe you said that" look.

Your "I know exactly what you are thinking" look.

It's about joy,

Laughter

And happiness.

Takes your breath away,

Don't it,

Took mine

Here's

A few lines from my students

They crack me up

And make me proud

"Shoes is my fruit of the soul"

"Four wheeler

Mud slinging

Tires spinning

Stuck"

"Did you ever think when a hearse goes by,

from now till the end of the year,

(31 days).

Today we worked on blank verse,

but I couldn't make anything but free stuff.

made some examples and put them on the board

read some  Maya Angelo out loud

her stuff

man

that's good

my kids

they move to the iambic rhythm

our wall of poetic expression is getting fuller

these are my examples

Rain

Wet

Coming down

Straight

On my head

And down my face

Dripping off my chin

Making me grin

Rain

It's like thoughts

Whatever you feel

Random thoughts

Thrown down on white paper

That reveal

Your inner most thoughts

Or just

Whatever's on top

And can be said

In a crowd that probably ain't listening anyway

Helping boys with their poems

Here's my advice

Don't be the mechanic

Be the salesperson

Don't tell me about the parts

Tell me why I need this car

Man, what a week!

Keep praying,

One of my kids had a break through today,

I went to the bathroom and just cried for a minute

Good night this is a long week

And yesterday!

Don't even ask

It's not over yet

Keep praying

God took over.
Sarah called. Jeremy was at MEPS for the night. She wanted to spend time with me. I needed to spend time with her.

She wantd to go mud bogging!

I said, "in your truck".

She said, "No, in your van!"

I said, "No, in your truck!"

She said, "No, in your van!"

She is so spoiled.

And yes we got stuck in a mud hole in my mini van!

Praise God for rednecks. They know what their doing when it comes to mud holes.

I was also able to collect some fossil rocks and tadpoles for my students while we were there.

We had a good time and I was able to relax.

When I got home mom had made spaghetti and let me talk to her till way past our bedtimes.

My student's have a ting they like to say after we finish the Morning Prayer.

I say, "God is good"

They say, "All the time"

I say, "All the time"

They say, "God is good."

Then we begin our day.

This whole debate over my writing reminds me of when I was an art major way, way back. My best friends were also art majors. One got married, moved away and became a cake decorator; enough said. The other went off to art school where she was taught to become one with her art, keep her art pure, art for art’s sake and all that. She eventually got married and gave it up too.

I, after breaking up with my fiancé, went to junior college and became art editor of the campus magazine. (Don’t be too excited it was a piece of crap and I bullied my way into the position.) I got acquainted with the gallery owners and discovered the under belly of art. Art was valued monetarily. The gallery owners were cynical, perverted or depressed.

For me the two ideologies collided and I got out of art completely. What sticks with me, though, is that aesthetics is a personal opinion. Historically, I remind myself, most famous artists aren’t recognized for their abilities until long after they are dead. I think Picasso was one of the few who reaped the rewards while still alive but his was not the role model life.

What does this have to do with my blog? Good question.

My blog is my canvas; every key I hit is a stroke of the brush. I am, really, just practicing the art of writing. That was my original intent. Then people started reading it. Then God said, “You have an audience what would you like to say to them?”…and I’ve been swayed by public opinion ever since, but occasionally I just like to practice my writing.

Once again the ‘personalness' of my writing has been questioned.

Why do I write on this blog?

First, this blog is my sounding board.

I am, I feel, metaphorically speaking, in a wilderness with no trail or map or compass.
Sometimes the wilderness is being a single mom, which I have been for over sixteen years.
Sometimes it is ministering to singles which I only recently started.
Even being a Christian these days can feel like being alone in a wilderness.
Sometimes the wilderness is life, just being a human being. I've never been a human being before. It's all new to me.

I have a guide book, the Bible, but to be honest sometimes I don't read the instructions and sometimes I don't understand the instructions.

Second, and most of all, I blog because God loves me.

If God hadn't been with me through all my trauma and drama I would not be alive today. I would have killed myself years ago. I honestly don't know how anyone survives a day without the knowledge that God is real and taking care of them.

God has been with me every day, every step in every situation. He whispers in my ear, "You're not alone" and I know I can make it through because I'm not alone.

These days as I walk through my metaphorical wildernesses I discover that I am not the only one wondering. Many people are here with me and sometimes they know much less about the terrain than I do. So I light beacons, leave signs and even write guide-blogs to help them through the places that I have already been.

If I can write or say or do something that makes one person have a relationship or a better relationship with God then I've done what I was put on this earth to do.

I blog so that you can learn what its like to be a Christian and hopefully through that knowledge you will become one too.

2 Corinthians 1
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Just griping tonight,

Took some sleeping pills

Still can't sleep,

My blood pressure medicine got messed up

The wind is rocking the trees too fiercely to be relaxing

My bed is not working for me tonight

All my dreams ticked me off

The couch is vinyl, enough said

Tried praying but my heart wasn't in it

The coffee can't perk fast enough

My head is aching

Reading email hurts my eyes

I'm going to miss my early morning walk

Even the cat is annoying

Yawn

A couple sips of hot coffee

Hmmm

The cat finally shut up

My head is soothed

The wind has calmed

Think I'll try sleep again

Zzzzzzz

It's weird to miss your child just because she's grown up and living across town. I think that, the thing is, its like she has been so many different people over the years and I have enjoyed every one of those people and now she is none of those people.

Like in kindergarten when she wore this huge pink bow on her head and that impish, dimpled grin on her face cause she knew she was cute and no one could resist her charms.

And when we went canoeing when she was in about fifth grade. She was so determined to be grown up about canoeing but in the end we both wound up stretched out on our bellies on a sandbar digging through the sand for clams and arrowheads. She would never do that now.

Or when she was in middle school and would come running out of her room crying hysterically and I would run to her and say, "What's wrong?" and she would wail back, "I don't know." I would just hold her and laugh. My baby, my poor sweet baby! Now she's someone else's baby.

We used to go to the mall and try on ball gowns just for the fun of it. Those days, that little girl who did all those things with me is gone and even though I love the woman she has become I still miss the little girl and even the teenager that she was.

You know I'm listening to that song as I type, my eyes glistening, and I remember that Sarah and I used to dance. We had a song that was ours. When she was little I would pick her up and we would sway back and forth and I'd end up swinging her around and around. When she got bigger I showed her how to dip and twirl. We would dance around the kitchen laughing till we were out of breath. I remember that. http://youtube.com/watch?v=FX--7gFHkU0 My baby girl , good night I miss her!

So many of us are becoming grandparents, empty nesters or parent-in-laws. It's a strange sensation, watching your children grow and change.

I don't regret it, not one little bit; that kind of love is... well it's just worth it.

Later I took her to the lake and showed her how to paddle a kayak. She liked it, another convert.

Sunday morning early

On Sunday morning I sat in my pajamas with my feet propped up sipping coffee and sighing deeply. The wedding was done. My child was married off. I was ready for a nice long break.

I put it to myself that church on Sundays is not necessary when you have listened to as much Christian music and sermons as I and read scripture as much as I had. Sunday service is for those who don't get God time any other time during the week.

It wasn't myself that answered back though.

"Keep the Sabbath holy!" That's all I heard and I knew. Sunday is reserved for worshipping God, not for sitting on your butt resting or anything else, period, end of discussion.

I went to church and showed off wedding photos to anyone who couldn't get away from me fast enough.

Later Sunday

I'm taking a class on witnessing. We were discussing possible answers that people give. I said, "Sometimes they say they aren't good enough." It reminded me of a story, which I told.

"Several months ago, after going through a time of walking closely with God, I sinned. I fell off the obedience wagon. When I finally walked away from the sin I noticed something amazing. At that moment I had a choice to either face God or hide from him. What was so amazing was that I realized that through it all God had never left my side. He had never stopped loving me. He had not turned away from me I had turned away from him. God didn't leave me because I was disobedient."

I say this because so many people think that they have done too much. That God couldn't possibly love them or ever forgive them. They're too bad.

I say, "God has always been there. He's waiting for you to turn to him. Do it today."

Monday

Hell must be feeling chilly. I joined a gym.

I got it during the wedding craziness when my apparel choice was based on what fit best not what looked best.

I want to be slim and muscular and full of energy, in a word, youth. I want to be young again. We'll see what happens.