do you know what I mean
So I was at another meeting for people who can't quite get it together. And I'm asked, "Where do you see yourself right now? Where have you been and where are you going?"
I attend these meetings because I had a bad marriage and it left me with feelings of worthlessness and depression. Scratch that. I had feelings of worthlessness and allowed myself to marry a man who did not respect me. The depression came after.
So I'm looking forward, backward and present-ward, like I've been told to for the last year or so, when I realize that my view is based on my position.
If I'm underwater I can't see the surface or speculate on it. (Water being a metaphor for an unhealthy lifestyle) If I've been held at the bottom for a long time then (that's exactly what being in an unhealthy lifestyle feels like, like your drowning, you just keep drowning) I don't want to look back down. It's still too frightening. While I'm in that middle area, between the surface and the bottom, I'm expending all my energy just trying to stay there. I'm panicked. I can't think or move.
I think that was the most scared I've ever been. More than when, as a child, I had to get out of the boat because the motor was stuck in the mud or as an adult the night my father removed my husband from the house.
Today I'm swimming on the surface, at peace with where I've been and gingerly looking forward to where I'll go.
How did I get here? Leaning on and trusting in God. Prayer and petition and faith. Prayer and petition and faith. If you're neck deep and sinking fast or already fairly drown only God can rescue you. Prayer, petition and faith.
The past month has been a hodgepodge of sinking into, crawling around in, and rising from the mire. So I can really relate to the "under the water" metaphor. Escaping from the mire meant leaving the familiarity of the pond I've been living around for a while. The pond is where the scummy mire is and I fell into it, or maybe even jumped into on purpose. I've spent a lifetime thinking I could clean it up. A million times or more, I've learned I can't clean it up and I can't rescue the people stuck in it either. Whether they are 15 or 50, they must decide to climb out. I can help pull them out if I'm standing on the bank of the pond but I can't lift them if I'm in the pond. The added weight of trying to lift them bogs me down deeper in the mire. Sometimes I forget and think I'm Superman again and jump in though.
I guess spiritually it's a lot like Lot leaving Sodom. You can stay and be destroyed, you can look back and be destroyed like Lot's wife, or you can do the will of God and move away from the pond. I love the pond though. But this I know: I can't stay where I am and go on with God.
To the left of this comments window where I write this comment (because I lost the dang sign in info for the zack17 e-mail account), there is a picture of you in a kayak. It's so interesting you used the metaphor of being held underwater when that picture shows you floating on calm water--in essence you have conquered the demon of the water. That of course brings up Peter who walked on the water and was only an arm's length from Jesus when he fell. You may not be walking on the water but you are navigating the water and it is as if, again using the picture, Jesus is the kayak of your life. You can't steer Jesus of course but He allows you the freedom to go this way or that way, and He will allow you to flip over if you get to wild, but He stays with you.
Here's a song lyric from two guys named Philip White and Vincent Williams. It was an early Rascal Flatts hit. I feel this way tonight and have felt this way at other times in my life. Keep on moving, Queen of the Kayak, through the waters of your life.
If you want to hear the song, here's a YouTube link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xirxN3xYuYg
"I'm Moving On"
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
(Comment this)