brenda's thoughts, watch out I'm Christian

They have a habit of taking a walk around the yard. They do this about twice a day. They walk, hold hands and talk. Oh I know, ‘how sweet!'

What I find so odd is that they tell the same stories and point out the same trees and flowers or birds nests that they been telling and talking about for over 40 years and these stories are met with the same amount of wonder and admiration as if they've just heard it for the first time! I know I've heard all of them at least a million times.

I watch them walk, hands held, bodies close enough to bump into each other when one waddles or sways unsteadily and I'm awe struck. All I can think is they aren't growing old alone and I'm glad for them.

It's weird to miss your child just because she's grown up and living across town. I think that, the thing is, its like she has been so many different people over the years and I have enjoyed every one of those people and now she is none of those people.

Like in kindergarten when she wore this huge pink bow on her head and that impish, dimpled grin on her face cause she knew she was cute and no one could resist her charms.

And when we went canoeing when she was in about fifth grade. She was so determined to be grown up about canoeing but in the end we both wound up stretched out on our bellies on a sandbar digging through the sand for clams and arrowheads. She would never do that now.

Or when she was in middle school and would come running out of her room crying hysterically and I would run to her and say, "What's wrong?" and she would wail back, "I don't know." I would just hold her and laugh. My baby, my poor sweet baby! Now she's someone else's baby.

We used to go to the mall and try on ball gowns just for the fun of it. Those days, that little girl who did all those things with me is gone and even though I love the woman she has become I still miss the little girl and even the teenager that she was.

You know I'm listening to that song as I type, my eyes glistening, and I remember that Sarah and I used to dance. We had a song that was ours. When she was little I would pick her up and we would sway back and forth and I'd end up swinging her around and around. When she got bigger I showed her how to dip and twirl. We would dance around the kitchen laughing till we were out of breath. I remember that. http://youtube.com/watch?v=FX--7gFHkU0 My baby girl , good night I miss her!

So many of us are becoming grandparents, empty nesters or parent-in-laws. It's a strange sensation, watching your children grow and change.

I don't regret it, not one little bit; that kind of love is... well it's just worth it.

Hey the wedding was wonderful.
I can't believe I didn't say that earlier.
God truly shinned as everything fell in place.
It was a joyful day for everyone.
Here's a sight with some pics.
Go to SARAH'S WEDDING
pic link
enjoy!

Later I took her to the lake and showed her how to paddle a kayak. She liked it, another convert.

Sunday morning early

On Sunday morning I sat in my pajamas with my feet propped up sipping coffee and sighing deeply. The wedding was done. My child was married off. I was ready for a nice long break.

I put it to myself that church on Sundays is not necessary when you have listened to as much Christian music and sermons as I and read scripture as much as I had. Sunday service is for those who don't get God time any other time during the week.

It wasn't myself that answered back though.

"Keep the Sabbath holy!" That's all I heard and I knew. Sunday is reserved for worshipping God, not for sitting on your butt resting or anything else, period, end of discussion.

I went to church and showed off wedding photos to anyone who couldn't get away from me fast enough.

Later Sunday

I'm taking a class on witnessing. We were discussing possible answers that people give. I said, "Sometimes they say they aren't good enough." It reminded me of a story, which I told.

"Several months ago, after going through a time of walking closely with God, I sinned. I fell off the obedience wagon. When I finally walked away from the sin I noticed something amazing. At that moment I had a choice to either face God or hide from him. What was so amazing was that I realized that through it all God had never left my side. He had never stopped loving me. He had not turned away from me I had turned away from him. God didn't leave me because I was disobedient."

I say this because so many people think that they have done too much. That God couldn't possibly love them or ever forgive them. They're too bad.

I say, "God has always been there. He's waiting for you to turn to him. Do it today."

Monday

Hell must be feeling chilly. I joined a gym.

I got it during the wedding craziness when my apparel choice was based on what fit best not what looked best.

I want to be slim and muscular and full of energy, in a word, youth. I want to be young again. We'll see what happens.

The old folks, as we unkindly refer to them,

Are sitting in the living room

A second pot of coffee has been made

They're talking about the old days

I only tune in for snatches

"They were all shipped to California and I got shipped to old dirty New Jersey"

My son has taken his second shower

He walks around the house in his new suit

Straightening his tie

Smelling good

My daughter says, "I don't need anything, now let me get dressed"

The conversation moves to the kitchen,

"Pat was never like that. She wouldn't say that. The rest of those people they didn't give a ..."

I'm dressed and waiting

I've read my Valentines emails

I've drank a lot of coffee

This is not a traumatic moment for me

I came to grips a long time ago with the idea of this young man as my son in law

And my baby girl growing up

And of my child being less than I wanted and hoped for her

She is happy

...

She is happy

I keep telling myself that

It is her life after all

And a parent's job

At least parts of it

Does stop or change at some point

Today is that point

Or maybe tomorrow

FOUR days till the wedding,
If you count today and the day of the wedding.
Two days till my student's performance
(using the same counting rules)
You heard right my students will be doing a live performance
We have re-written or added in some personal thoughts to the 23rd Psalm
I also have a student teacher in my room starting this week
I'm looking forward to seeing her knew ideas on teaching
Pray for sanity
Pray for peace
Pray it doesn't rain on Thursday
Pray for joy and happiness
Pray that everything on my 'to do' list gets done
Oh hey, I joined a gym
I'm being proactive again (aging and stress)
It has yoga on a night that isn't too hectic
I'm going to try do the meditation thing but with scripture

It just came out of no where,

Actually I've been praying for it for a while

God hears your heart

But a couple weeks ago

She called me one afternoon and said we're getting married on the 14^th of February"

I said, "This February or next?"

She said, "This!"

I said, "This?"

She said, "This!"

I said ...nothing I was dumbfounded

They were just going to the justice of the peace and out to eat

She had it all taken care of and didn't want any help or advice

Now everyday she adds something to the event

Yesterday she decided to wear her ‘already paid for wedding dress that is hanging in the closet'

Last night we picked out the flower arrangements

I woke up in the middle of the night wondering what to do for music.

Today I talked to a minister and we looked at chapels

Then she asked if I could bar-b-cue for the reception

I said, "What reception?"

She said, "I thought it would be nice"

I said, "NO"

I wanted to say "Are you high?"

Man!

What will tomorrow bring in this wedding roller coaster ride?

I don't know but I better get a good night sleep, tomorrow I may be asked to sing at the wedding!

There was ice on the grass and leaves,

But the sun was shining

I could hear the drops falling as it melted

The same puddle under the bridge was crisscrossed with ice

I walked on

Absorbed in the happy observation of wetlands that had all filled back up

And in tracks,

The tiniest set led up to the edge of a puddle

When suddenly a crashing of branches and the belly flopping splash of something big leaping into the swamp

I could hear it swim away but I couldn't see it,

Probably a deer or large boar,

I looked down at myself,

I wasn't wearing my lucky sweatshirt,

Dog gone it!

Small Sounds

An unfinished thought...

The tiny sound of wings beating in fright,

Of dew dripping that froze in the night,

...

I've been home all day,

24 hour bug compliments of my students,

It's like they poisoned me without meaning to but still derived the pleasure of my absence from work...

Anyway,

So I've been working on my other blog,

Notalone.blog.com

Which is why I'm now mindless,

Something about embedded code and saving twice

Again mindless,

I noticed that I brought my son tootsie pop from the candy jar at work,

Got myself one too,

Mine was grape and his was cherry

He hates grape because all his childhood medications were grape flavored

I feel the same about cherry for the same reason

Mindless,

Rambling,

Had to write a short article about Valentines Day for my other blog

I'm no VD day fan,

My son called it that in the ninth grade,

Still makes me laugh,

Mindless

But I began going back over all the romance of dating and being in love

It was nice

I made a list of what I remembered

...

When he picked a flower for me

When he packed a sack lunch for me

When he tried to teach me how to dance

When he left sticky notes on my windshield

When he sang to me that night on the dock

When he ...

Ok that's all I got

And that's not even one man

And none of them were my husband

I'm afraid I haven't been romanced a whole lot

Jeez I'm gloomy