do you know what I mean
So I was at another meeting for people who can’t quite get it together. And I’m asked, “Where do you see yourself right now? Where have you been and where are you going?”
I attend these meetings because I had a bad marriage and it left me with feelings of worthlessness and depression. Scratch that. I had feelings of worthlessness and allowed myself to marry a man who did not respect me. The depression came after.
So I’m looking forward, backward and present-ward, like I’ve been told to for the last year or so, when I realize that my view is based on my position.
If I’m underwater I can’t see the surface or speculate on it. (Water being a metaphor for an unhealthy lifestyle) If I’ve been held at the bottom for a long time then (that’s exactly what being in an unhealthy lifestyle feels like, like your drowning, you just keep drowning) I don’t want to look back down. It’s still too frightening. While I’m in that middle area, between the surface and the bottom, I’m expending all my energy just trying to stay there. I’m panicked. I can’t think or move.
I think that was the most scared I’ve ever been. More than when, as a child, I had to get out of the boat because the motor was stuck in the mud or as an adult the night my father removed my husband from the house.
Today I’m swimming on the surface, at peace with where I’ve been and gingerly looking forward to where I’ll go.
How did I get here? Leaning on and trusting in God. Prayer and petition and faith. Prayer and petition and faith. If you’re neck deep and sinking fast or already fairly drown only God can rescue you. Prayer, petition and faith.
