Subtlety is Lost on Some People
Allow me to back up. My father was a man who never spoke about his feelings. Consequently when he had done something that he needed to apologize for he never said the words. Instead he would buy you something or do something with you or take you somewhere. It sounds fine on paper but in reality it left a void of understanding between us. The gap grew over the years. Now he is more like an acquaintance who I see often. Our time together is filled with uncomfortable silences and idle conversation.
My husband on the other hand said, "I'm sorry" all the time. Our marriage was filled with "I'm sorry" and "I promise" and "I won't do it again", but they were hollow. He would apologize today and then do it again tomorrow. His words became meaningless. He became unreliable. It was hurtful to think he cared so little that he would do it in the first place but mostly that he wasn't really sorry that he had done it at all. I stopped listening entirely and so did the children. I also stopped loving him.
When my life became my own to control I made a personal vow to be open and honest in my feelings with my children and to teach them to do the same. I especially wanted them to know how to apologize sincerely. We made it a rule;
- If anyone did anything wrong, that was ok, everyone makes mistakes
- but we had to talk about it if we needed to,
- and you had to say you were sorry
- then you had to do whatever it took to fix the situation,
- and apologies had to be excepted.
I taught this rule to my students at school and at church as well as my own children. Often large arguments were avoided by simply talking it out and finding that at the bottom of the problem was a lack of understanding or hurt feelings. It was especially difficult in the teenage years of my own children. Not because they made so many mistakes but because I had to realize and apologize for not giving them the trust and space they needed to grow up.
Over the years I have tried to implement this rule into relationships of all kinds though I have been disappointed many times because some people do not learn by example. However, I did not learn through my own mistakes. All these years I had focused on the person who made the mistake. I believed it was their responsibility to “fix” the situation. I did not lay any responsibility on the person who had been wronged. The truth is they are responsible for their hurt feelings. They have to express themselves also. (Boundaries 101, I can be taught!).Ugh! All this thinking’s giving me a headache. I’m going for a walk in the woods.
