Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Self Righteous, Pissed off, Getting Over It

I am struck dumb by disillusionment again. (My x-husband used to tell me I was so naïve. It was his way of enjoying the joke that I didn't know he was fooling around.) My jaw is on the ground and it won't be picked up. This is why I don't like gossip. I don't want to know what people are doing. It hurts my feelings. I feel betrayed, like we were bound together by a code of conduct and the breaking of that code which I work so hard to uphold (I know I'm a major sinner and repent daily) is a slap in my face.

Here I am, beating myself mercilessly in repentance for my own sins and everyone else is out frolicking and romping in a field of their sins like it was a meadow of poppies and there is no wicked witch of the west. What the hell is that all about? Have you never heard of stumbling blocks? (Romans 14:13) Don't you know that everything you do affects the world around you? Don't you care?

Dam it! It messes with my head and I've cussed twice, sorry.

 

What about God?

What does He think about all this?

My son describes his new computer game to me. He is very enthusiastic. He has read the books, uploaded codes, chatted with friends, studied the maps, and logged in many hours already. He tells me about the pet owl, the evil Orc player, mesmerizing a bear and how to avoid creatures on the path. He wants to know how to get a specific weapon but hasn't discovered it yet.

I want to know if his homework is done, if he puts this much effort in school work, and how he wants his fish cooked for dinner.

Sometimes I think God sees my daily dramas the same I way I see my son's gaming activities.

I read books about boundaries, read and post forums, talk on the phone endlessly, go to dinners, parties, and functions. I have friends who need me, friends who I need, friends who I barely stand, friends who I don't want to go without, and friends who can light me up. I worry about working outside my career field, about who likes who, about getting fatter and wrinklier, and about people's opinions.

God wants to know, "Have you read your Bible? Have your prayed? Are we growing closer? Are you glorifying me with your actions?"

Just as I know my son is a level sixteen player who was bested last night by a level fourteen female, I also know that what is most important for him is to get a good night sleep so he can be alert for school tomorrow. (talk about a run on)

God knows that one of my favorite flowers is daffodils but that if I don't work to tend my own garden (metaphorically speaking) I won't have daffodils to admire.

Posted by brenda at 13:44:43 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |
Comments
1 - Hang in there Brenda-girl!!! We're all walking different paths on this trail of life; you're just stuck on the up-hills right now. But, oh what a view you will have when you get to the top!

I'm a flat-lander, but prefer the mountains. The journey is tough, but worth the views! (Comment this)

Written by: Trailrunner at 2007/01/10 - 20:49:12
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